Have you ever been paralysed with the fear of going to the loo? Not as a result of last nights curry or an impromptu bout of gastro. No! There are other forms of 'dunny fright' brought on by uninvited creatures crawling up from the porcelain depths of the dunny beneath your.......Well, I was unfortunate enough to discover this new phenomenon just a few days ago after a series of, not one. Not two. But THREE such events in a 24 hour period. Well the final two straws that broke the camels back came in 24hours, the first a few days earlier.

I was working out bush in a remote community with some aboriginal women. My place of residence for the duration of this weeks trip was in the local child care centre. A lovely establishment I must say, despite the fact that the AC was on the blink and the lights were out in the loo and the bathroom. So equipped with all I needed to wash the layers of dirt off me, I proceeded to do what one does in the process of taking a shower. In the depths of the deep dark shower without a light, and devoid my seeing apparatus, I proceeded to dry myself when on my left calf I had - or thought I had a slug crawling up my leg, so I flicked him off with my towel and continued to complete the task at hand. A few minutes later with seeing apparatus returned to my face I was to discover that the slug was not a slug, but a centipede. Not just any centipede mind you, this one was one of the kind that reduce a victim to a pile of writhing agony - so I've heard. Grateful for the narrow escape and not wanting to tempt fate, I thanked 'someone' for looking out for me and continued on my way for the rest of the week.

The second brush with death came a few days later when the Todd River closed 3 causeways and people were seen to be rafting along it on inner tubes and lilos, and doing all sorts of crazy things. I was at work when the call of nature tickled my bladder, so off to the loo I went. Tinkle tinkle. Boing Boing. A damn frog was trying to escape the golden shower I'd just given him by crawling up the insides of toilet bowl and then banging his head uummmmmmmmm....... Oh my LOOOOOOOOORD did I just about have a heart attack. OK so it was'nt a brush with death but it could have been had I been 50 years older. I was so upset I haven't sat on the loo at work since.

It doesn't end there, this one is a cracker and the worst of all. Nature was obviously building up to a crescendo with the last encore because this one almost caused me to move out of the flat I moved into the day before. I found this gorgeous, unbelievable little flat about 6 km's out of town with a native yard and my very own hill for a back yard with 360deg views of the surrounding bush. It's stunning, I love it. What I do not love, however, is the loo. The day after I moved in. tinkle tinkle. flush. I was frozen with fear when I spotted what was sticking out from behind the loo when I went to flush it. looooooooooooong, blaaaaaaaaaaaaack, hairy legs. Although I could only see half of it's legs, it was the biggest hairy thing I swear to god - that I've ever seen (apart from Dipper when I saw him at Richmond pool in the steam room) It was massive. I grabbed a chair, and a tin of fly spray and proceeded to empty the latter down the back of the cistern while it just sat there. It did'nt even move. Oh my, I was so terrified and in tears by this stage because I didn't know what to do. I knew it wasn't a huntsmen because this one was black and bigger than any huntsman I've ever seen. I just don't know how to tell you how upset I was. I stood on the chair a few feet away and watched it creep back behind the loo, which terrified me even more because I wanted to see the fecker. Anyway I had to leave. I didn't know what else to do until the call of nature started tickling my bladder again (it's all the water - it's bloody hot here y'know!). There was no way in hell I* was going in that dunny, so I went out. I actually went down the road, into town and went for a twinkle in lovely local establishment. Upon returning I bumped into my landlord who I proceeded to ingratiate with my tale of woe and brush with the devil himself. To which she, yes SHE offered to come and have a look. My prior feelings of fear and terror were replaced with tears of joy in that moment as I followed her up the hill to my flat ( I stopped at the loo). I warned it was the size of a small dog but she didn't seem too concerned, stating that it was probably a "bird spider" which are harmless to mere mortals such as us. Anyway, she didn't find him, offering that he'd probably crawled off to die somewhere. Needless to say I am so scared of going to the toilet these days that by the time I've looked behind the loo, in it, under it, over it, through it, down it and around it, my pelvic floor muscles have gotten a complete workout. I'm a nervous wreck on all matters dunny these days.......

On a lighter note, I have a new job as a Youth Worker which I start this Wednesday. I'm really excited though I know it will be tough, but a challenge nevertheless. I've got a new address, which is PO Box 4190, Alice Springs NT 0871. Come visit sometime.

I'll leave you with a snippet from last weeks Advocate, on my beloved Kintore.....

Comet Confusion

"Kintore police were up all night with people calling them worried about aliens, plane crashes and spirits coming to get them because of the big ball of light in the sky. They had to call the Civil Aviation Authority in the middle of the night to calm residents calls about the Mcnaught comet".

Bless em' Ta Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Al